Two of my kids are adopted …

My brother and several of my cousins are adopted, too. Growing up, adoption was just a normal part of how you get children. As an adoptive parent, I get asked all kinds of rude, nosy and sometimes really weird questions about adoption.

I usually manage to answer semi-politely, although if I really want people to shut it and move on, I find that talking about haemorrhoids usually does the trick. It’s funny how people who ask questions about the intimate details surrounding how my family became a family are scared off by talking about bottom troubles, but there you go.

But just for fun, here are some of the answers I wish I could give to people who ask nosy adoption questions:

1. Can’t you have any children of your own?

That’s a big no because I have no uterus and my fallopian tubes are shrivelled up. I had endometriosis and it gave me raging awful periods, so I had some key girl parts removed. Shall I go on? I love conversations about my vagina and assorted lady parts. So fun.

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2. What happened to their real mom?

Gosh, I don’t know! These rude little humans woke me up at 5 a.m. asking me if I knew where the remote was. THEN they wanted me to make breakfast. That seems pretty real to me. Is there someone else who should be handling these crack of dawn requests? Oh, and say, are those your REAL boobs? Just curious!

3. How much did they cost?

They were free, but let me tell you the shipping and handling was pretty freakin’ steep. Oh, and say, how much did you pay for that ostentatious gas-guzzling SUV? That’s not too personal, is it?

4. Do you know Angelina Jolie?

I totally do. Yesterday I was just saying: “Angie, we need to call Madge, put on our good yoga pants, jump in the minivan and head to Sonic for happy hour.” Of course I know famous people who have adopted. We all hang out drinking boxed wine from time to time …

5. Why did you adopt from China instead of your own country?

I adopted from my own species. That’s something, right? And… when would be a good time to talk about your made-in-Indonesia shoes and your Japanese car, hmm? I’m just curious and all.

6. Now that you’ve adopted, do you think you’ll get pregnant?

Ooooh fun! We’re not done talking about my vagina yet? Just kidding. See #1.

7. Are you planning to tell them they’re adopted?

It depends on how smart they turn out to be. They may eventually figure out that two Caucasians don’t usually produce Asian children, so if it seems like they’re going to be smart, we’ll have the adoption talk when they’re about 13 and really getting going with that whole teen angst thing.

And my personal favourite…

8. You’re a saint for giving those poor children a good home

I work so hard to keep my home a child-safe little haven of love and harmony. We’ve even moved the beers to the lower shelf of the fridge so the children don’t need to use the stepping stool when I tell them mommy needs a cold one.

Jill Robbins is an award-winning writer, speaker and wine snob. You can find her regularly on her blog, Ripped Jeans and Bifocals. Connect with her on Facebook.