Last updated on Jun 10th, 2021 at 04:08 pm

Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a shocked reader who has just discovered that her boyfriend recently married another woman – while still involved with her …

Hi Annie

I was in an on/off relationship for almost 13 years with a guy who works in Johannesburg.

Some years ago he caused some problems at home while he was under the influence of liquor, and my kids asked him to leave. He insisted on taking everything that he had bought for me and my flat.

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He, however, apologised to me, and some months later we made up, but I did not allow him into my home although we carried on with our relationship. We were not living together as he worked in Johannesburg and only came to Durban over weekends – maybe one weekend a month.

I met him in 2003 and this problem happened in 2008

From 2008 till 2015 we carried on this relationship without anyone knowing about it. However, from last year we were a bit distant because he opened his own business and he hardly used to come to Durban.

I did see him in December, and he calls me like 20 times when I don’t want to speak to him.

He spends more time with his friends drinking and only wants to see me over weekends

Anyway, I cooled my relationship with him for a while, as he does not give me his time. Suddenly I heard from a friend of his that he is married in an arranged marriage. This was done over three months ago.

I sent him a message and he was furious with me and told me he was married and that I must leave him alone.

Then he contacted my son to complain about me sending messages to him. His wife is not happy about me contacting him.

Why did he not tell me himself that he was getting married? How do I move on and forget this happened as he never let me move on with my life when I wanted to.

Dear Vee

Thank you for your letter. 13 years is a long time to be in a long-term sort of relationship. I understand you initially breaking up with him. Drunk and disorderly behaviour is one thing. Wanting to take back stuff that he bought you – stuff that you have become attached to – is unforgivable.

You secretly continued seeing him for the next seven years, but now without the benefit of getting stuff

I am just saying …

Seems like you started settling for less. Don’t get me wrong, it is not about the stuff. Mr just didnt want to be thoughtful or bother so much.

A secret boyfriend that you saw once a month for seven years?

Do you think that he told people that he had a girlfriend, or do you think it is possible that he saw you as the girl he hooked up with when he happened to be in town?

Easy, no strings attached, no commitment. This relationship would not even qualify for a facebook status change!

The harsh truth is that he never broke up with you because he never thought that he was in a relationship with you.

Easy, no strings attached, no commitment. This relationship would not even qualify for a Facebook status change!

You say that he liked to go out drinking with friends

You also mention 20 phone calls from him that were not welcome. Every girl appreciates a call from her man, letting her know that he is thinking about her. Not even desperate girls appreciate those 2am drunken booty calls. I am suspecting that that was the nature of your calls?

Now you hear he is married and you are wondering why he didn’t have the decency to first break up with you

I’m thinking that how you viewed your relationship was very different to how he viewed it. The harsh truth is that he never broke up with you because he never thought that he was in a relationship with you!

Before you are tempted to think what is wrong with you, let me reassure you that there is something wrong with him.

He suffers from what is known as jackass disease. Perhaps you could send his wife a sympathy card. You’ve actually dodged a bullet here. You do not want to be responsible for perpetuating his genes.

As for you, why did you settle for a once a month date and 2am incoherent phone calls?

As dear Dr Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. Learn from this and when the next man asks you out, remember who you are and what you’re worth. If he can’t see it, toss him back before you get your hands dirty.

You are beautiful!
Love and blessings