Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader whose partner wants a baby, but she’s not ready …
I wrote to you a couple of months ago asking you to help me untangle my web of relationships. Well, I took your advice and decided to clear out the closet and stay single after realising that I needed time to myself.
I was single for about six months till I started dating my current boyfriend a month ago. He’s 31 and I’m 30 years old. I’ve known him for a year now and we went on a couple of dates until I couldn’t fight off the feelings I had for him anymore. The thing is, he came at a time when I felt content being single and had accepted that this love thing is not for me.
I’m completely in love with him and he’s in love with me too but I’m a single mom of two kids both under five years old and he doesn’t have any kids at all.
Going into the relationship, I knew that someday he’ll want to have children of his own and I don’t have a problem with that. The only problem is that he wants us to start trying NOW!
I’ve shared my fears about having more kids out of wedlock and the financial strains I’m facing because I have no financial support from their dad (never mind the fact that it’s only been a month).
He says he understands, doesn’t want to pressurise me into doing this and that he’ll wait but we talk about this every single day. His desire to have a child is so strong that he wanted to find a surrogate mother because he was also single for a long time before dating me but now that I’m here, he doesn’t need to do all that.
I feel like I’m being pushed into a corner
I told him that he needs to marry me first before I can bear kids for him because I cannot go through the same cycle but now I feel like I’m being pushed into a corner. I’ve found myself committing to allowing him to impregnate me next year but I have so many fears. He has reassured me that he won’t leave me and wants me and my kids to move in with him during this process but this is all happening too fast.
I’ve refused to move in with him until he marries me but he says I make everything too difficult and make him feel like I still have reservations about our relationship. He says he’s getting the feeling that I just want to date him and not take this to another level while he’s at an age where he wants to start a family.
He has his own business and has started working longer hours to ensure that he’s able to afford a big family and have me as a housewife if that’s what I want.
His vision seems so ideal but am I wrong for insisting on marriage first?
I mean, a child is a lifelong commitment, if he’s ready for that then why is he not ready for marriage? I don’t want to end up raising three or four children by myself so I need some kind of commitment… A promise is not good enough for me.
It could totally be THAT Oprah: she gives advice all the time, who says that she doesn’t need some herself?
Thank you for your letter. It sounds like dating yourself for six months was a really good healing process for you. It sounds like you attracted this new man, not by your neediness, but rather by your wholeness and he clearly sees all that you are capable of and have to offer.
Does he want his child or just children?
Being with you sounds like he got the contract with added benefits – two cute kiddies thrown in. Your children are young enough to bond with him in a meaningful way and if you do get married, they will have him as stepdad for ever after.
I think it would be good to explore what it is that he wants when he says that he wants a child. How does he forsee this impacting his life? Will he love your children as well as his own? If there is a great divide, can you imagine the impact that this will have on your other children?
Just as he hopes that you see more in him than just free board and lodging, it is fair that you expect him to see more in you than just being a baby-mamma
Just as he hopes that you see more in him than just free board and lodging, it is fair that you expect him to see more in you than just being a baby-mamma. Ideally a baby should be born out of a loving commitment. Your eggs are far from their sell-by date and you have plenty of time to still have children, as does he.
You need to take the potential incubator off the table for a while and work on your relationship.
You can’t marry him just for the sake of having a baby. Marry him because you have grown to know and love him, because you can see that he is a good and faithful man, because he loves and accepts your children, and because he wants the very best for you at all times. Then decide together if you want to have children.
Will he move on to someone else if you’re not ready to sign up for the breeding programme just yet, or is he with you because of who you are?
You stopped compromising and selling yourself short and found happiness on your own. Don’t give up all that now!
You are beautiful!
Love and blessings