Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who has fallen out of love with her current man and in love with another (married) one and needs to make a decision …
I have been separated from my husband since last year September and we recently got divorced.
I have been dating this wonderful guy for almost a year now since my separation. Everything is, and has been wonderful with him. He is very supportive and he loves my two kids.
I love him very much because he has been there for me when I needed him and he has helped me get through a difficult divorce.
Recently I met this other guy and we have been spending more and more time together, and I have fallen in love with him
He is so amazing: he always wants to help me where he can and he also adores my kids
My problem is that when I’m with the guy that I have been with for almost a year, I can’t get my mind off this new guy. We are in contact with each other every day.
He also knows that I have someone else in my life and so does he … he is actually married
He tells me every day how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me: even before he got married he used to tell me that. And I pushed him away so that he could stop telling me that.
I love this guy, I really do, but I don’t know what to do because I know it’s wrong for us to be together but we both can’t help it.
I have fallen out of love with the guy that I have been with, and fallen really hard for this new guy. And it also doesn’t help that he won’t let go of me. Please help
Thank you for your letter. Divorce is never easy and it is a huge adjustment for all parties involved, especially the children.
You say that you and your ex-husband separated in September. If your front door was revolving, I suppose man number two entered as man number one was leaving if you have been dating for a year already.
Many reasons contribute to a divorce, but no doubt that partners are left with a sense of lowered self-esteem and possibly failure. The fabulous Brangelinas can’t even make the ugly and nasty of divorce disappear into this season’s new black.
People get hurt most – especially the very short people in the relationship who don’t fully comprehend why mom and dad aren’t together anymore.
It is very easy to fall into a new and affirming relationship when you are hurting and trying to recover.
It is very easy to fall into a new and affirming relationship when you are hurting and trying to recover
Nothing like having a new man around, reassuring you that you are still beautiful and desirable – and if he does that while unblocking the drain, all the better.
Man number two is like the walker babies need to steady themselves while trying to stretch their independent little legs. Now you’re up and running, who needs the old walking ring around?
Enter man number three
The last two men have not worked out so well for you. Let’s look at Mr three’s potential.
He is a married man and is cheating on his wife. You are currently the other woman.
What do you think happens if you change positions and become the wife? You know for a fact that you can’t trust him not to cheat. And guess what – he knows that he can’t trust you either.
What kind of future do you think that this relationship has?
It’s not lived in real life, with snotty-nose kids, premenstrual bloating and stinky socks. It’s lived in fantasy forbidden land where the allure is all about the forbidden fruit and the clandestine excitement.
Bring this affair into the light of day and watch it fizzle and fade like a home perm.
Only relationships built on love, respect and trust have a glimmer of hope to survive
Only relationships built on love, respect and trust have a glimmer of hope to survive.
Relationship with man number one is done and dusted. You and man number two have no future without trust. Unless you came clean about your lack of commitment, and you’re both willing to work on it, this relationship is over.
He sounds like a decent guy and perhaps he deserves to be loved by a faithful woman?
Man number three: relationships built on lust are great plots for Mills and Boons or shades of grey but they are not investment opportunities for twin porch rockers in your old age.
These men seem to be fond of your children and so I assume that they interact with them.
Please consider the effect of different potential stepfathers in your children’s lives and what effect another man that they have bonded with, who leaves, might have on them.
It sounds like you need a man detox
Time to spend some quality time with yourself, remembering what you know about yourself and not how you look when men are reflecting you back to yourself.
Take time to heal and give your children time to heal. Getting into another relationship too quickly can be really crowded with the amount of baggage that will be in the room.
You are beautiful!
Love and blessings