Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a husband who feels he has been neglected since the baby was born …
I know women mostly write in but I read these articles when I see them open on my wife’s tablet, as she often tells me that they are funny and good advice.
I have been married for three years. My wife and I have been together for four years prior to marrying. My family is overseas and my wife’s parents are both deceased. We have been each other’s family for as long as I can remember.
We are very compatible, both participating in running on a regular basis.
Recently we started a family
We planned for this, and could financially afford for my wife to stay home with the baby. We conceived after only three months of trying, and our son was born in April this year.
I anticipated changes and thought that I was prepared. We love our son and are very grateful to have him.
The problem is that I feel that I have lost my wife. She seems to be a mother only
She is a good mother but my son’s needs always seem to be on her radar and she no longer cares or connects with me as she did.
Intimacy is all but out the window and she is normally too exhausted for me to even suggest it. Our son seems to be glued to her hip permanently. I can’t see this getting better.
Now she’s talking about having another one soon as we originally planned two children with a small gap. I’m horrified at the idea and don’t know how to tell her. The only appeal is that she may be up for some intimacy.
Please advise me how to deal with the situation. How do I get my wife back?
Thank you for your letter – always good to hear from men who are looking for ways to improve their relationships.
Before we address your problem perhaps we should have a look at expectations and how your lives have actually changed.
Your wife has surrendered her lean-tight-ass machine body for a soft bread-maker kind of body, complete with permanent stretch marks – think let-out seams – as a permanent new feature.
You have continued to run and stay fit. Not only has she traded her running shoes for green cross shoes, she has traded those cute little brightly coloured training bras for small Chinese children’s recycled hammocks. These come in sexy white and beige, with spare storage room for small mouse mattresses or breastpads.
After your morning run, you probably come home, spend some time in the bathroom. On the throne. Alone. Then you shower and dress. Quick breakfast and you’re off to join adults in the world who use big words and complete sentences with the possible exception of Friday night office drinks.
Your wife has by now no doubt also got up and begun to do her ablutions. She does not close the door, no matter WHAT she is doing in there. More often than not she is trying to persuade junior not to dump his toys in the bath while she juggles trying to reroll some paper on the loo roll that has been pulled out and gobbed on.
Occasionally she gets to go to the loo sans junior. In these rare moments she sighs happily and relaxes into what has now come to be known as “me time”.
Your wife is more than just that. She is now also a self-sacrificing mom. The two can happily co-exist
She no longer just prepares meals for you in the kitchen, she has readjusted her body to actually produce and hold milk for junior. Dressing has changed from fashionable work clothes to T-shirts and leggings. Colour coordinating is considered successful if the latest upchuck is disguised.
After caring for her heavy, leaking from both ends, hip attachment all day, she collapses in bed and also wonders where your wife has gone. She not only puts your son before you, she puts him before herself.
This is a season that passes quicker than you can imagine
Maybe stepping in and giving mom some me time that requires leaving the house – either you and the babe, or her, will give her time to reconnect with herself and your wife. The more practical and emotional support she receives, the more relaxed she will be.
Your wife is more than just that. She is now also a self-sacrificing mom. The two can happily co-exist.
Love and blessings