Last updated on Jun 10th, 2021 at 04:09 pm

Agony Aunt Annie offers some (tongue-in-cheek) advice to a reader who has a really busy life running her house and her husband expects her to be in the mood – every night …

Dear Annie

Thank you for your column. I enjoy reading it when I get a moment to myself … in the bath!

I am the mother of three children. My oldest two are in school, grade one and grade two, and my youngest is 11 months and at home with me. My day is very busy with running around with children and taking care of our home. I have no domestic help and so all the household chores fall to me to do.

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I am also responsible for caring for my elderly father-in-law who lives adjacent to our property. I need to check in on him twice a day, do his laundry, and take him his main meal daily. My grade two child has some learning difficulties and this involves various trips to therapists in the afternoons. Between this, I need to take care of my other two boys and fit in homework, etc, etc.

I am very busy and often feel like I don’t have a spare moment to myself!

I cope well and keep my house in good order and always have a meal ready for my husband when he gets home. Most nights I fall asleep when putting the baby down. After a short nap, I take my husband tea and watch some TV with him.

After a bath and collapsing in bed, I have one thing on my mind: sleep!

My husband is not thinking about sleep and I try to be a willing lover. He has a high libido and wants to make love at least every other night, if not every night.

The problem is that he complains that I am a ‘dead fish’ in bed

He says that I never initiate and he would like me to be more enthusiastic and adventurous. I enjoy the intimacy with my husband and really try to please him. I just don’t have the energy to be any more creative and his comments have really hurt me.

He does not think that I “work” as I am home all day. He doesn’t help with any chores as he says that he works really hard outside the home and it is my job to work inside the home

He does not think that I “work” as I am home all day. He doesn’t help with any chores as he says that he works really hard outside the home and it is my job to work inside the home.

I am grateful to be able to raise my boys and be so hands on. I just don’t know if I can be the lover and wife that my husband wants at the same time as being a good mother.

Please help!

Dear Lisa

Thank you for your letter. I am guessing that you are writing on your smartphone from the bath tub. I hope there are some bubbles in that tub and maybe in a glass and the door is locked so that we can have a good chat.

It seems like you could really do with some down time

You are obviously managing your boys and motherhood very well. You seem to be able to keep your father-in-law clean and fed. The only problem would be your husband in the bedroom and his very unreasonable expectations.

I don’t suppose he will be okay with you being a sleeping fish as opposed to dead one? No probably not. Sometimes expectations are fuelled by unrealistic images such as porn, but assuming that this is not the case and he is just being a jackass, let’s proceed.

I will try to be very objective in offering possible solutions so as to be fair to both of you

First off, clear some freezer space. Then, get a very large hammer … ok, no wait, let’s call that plan z.

I am going to give you specific details but I will be mindful that this is a family magazine and I will keep it very clean. Your husband would like a more interesting intimate life and I think that you should think out of the box to please him.

Men like intimacy in places other than the bedroom. When the kiddies have gone to bed, you can suggest some kitchen antics. I would like to suggest you also incorporate different positions. Spray a little scented cleaner on the floor to set the mood. Next lay down a towel and ask your husband to lie down. This position requires you to be on top and he needs to get his butt moving … all over your dirty floor. Mind he doesn’t bang his head in the corners, but you really don’t want to miss those.

Tell your husband that you would like to incorporate some “toys” into your intimate lives. Start with a cute little feather duster. Play this game in the lounge or near any furniture that requires dusting.

How about you put him in front of a warm soapy basin of dirty dishes as you suggestively cuddle him from behind?

Tell him how him touching the dirty plates really turns you on and he should do it again and again. Stop after the plates. Everyone knows that cutlery can soak and you’ re probably ready to head towards the bedroom … in socks, in a romantic sliding fashion along the floors, making sure neither of you miss a spot. Put on music so you can call it dancing.

Finally you’re back in the bedroom and suddenly he is wondering why he ever suggested leaving it.

A considerate lover should carefully prepare the bed

Begin by buttoning the freshly laundered shirts and laying them flat. T-shirts and kiddies clothes can follow. Top with your un-ironed linen. Now you are ready. This lovemaking requires large sliding movements of bodies with heavy pressure. Assure your husband that him sleeping up there, spread out on that heap in the bed is a turn on for you because you see his position in life as so superior to yours. Wah-la! Ironing sorted!

At least once a week, love-making should happen in the bathroom

Alternate the bath with the shower. This love-making requires you to apply a lot of lemony suds to your husband’s back. By now he will associate the former slightly Jik smell with intimacy. You will need to be a little wild as you push your husband up against the shower door and along the shower walls. Rinse and repeat.

Once a month you want to introduce role playing

You’re always the rich lady in these scenarios who gets totally turned on by the very hard-working labourer that arrives to do chores. Alternate window cleaning, with pool cleaning, etc.

Lastly I suggest you go away for a girl’s week end so that you can seriously consider how to be a better lover. I think much creativity will come to you if you … sleep. You deserve some down time and he deserves to see what a day or two in your life is really like!