The world is a complicated place. I’m not even talking about what’s going on in the Middle East. I’m talking about what’s going on under my own roof, and the perceptions of a two-year-old.

Here are 17 of the most ridiculous things my toddler believes:

1. When dad tells him mommy’s not home, it’s a challenge. If he stands at the top of the stairs and yells “MOMMMMMYYYYYY WHERE ARRRRRRRRE YOOOOOOOUUUUU?????” loud enough and long enough, he might just get the answer he was hoping for.

2. Open doors were meant to close.

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3. Closed doors were meant to open.

4. Ceiling fans are sky spiders.

5. Loud jets are sky monsters.

6. All movies and television are animated. If it’s not animated, it’s a commercial, and we need to go back to previous programming.

7. If he screams “I DON’T WANT TO GO PEEPEE!!” loud enough, we won’t take him to the bathroom, or he will no longer need to go. It’s unclear as to which.

8. People who sit at the dinner table and eat something different from what you are eating are inherently evil.

9. Mom and dad had a lifetime of privacy. Why should they be entitled to any more?

10. How crazy is it that it could be snowing at the front of the house and the back of the house at the same time? Apparently very crazy.

11. Just because he ate it and loved it yesterday, doesn’t mean he won’t kick and scream and throw a tantrum to avoid eating it today.

12. Any major sporting event on TV is the best possible time to convey “I WANNA WATCH A MOVIEEE!!!!” over and over, at least 200 times.

13. The more questionable the taste, the better the food looks on the ground.

14. The most fun things to play with: Cords, outlets, boxes, packaging, or anything that shouldn’t be on the floor. Then toys.

15. Books are fun. Especially when you can rip, bend, or pull out the pages. They need to be interactive.

16. Someone may walk up at any given point and ask to hear the most obnoxious sound in the world. Screams need to be practised and perfected to be ready for that moment.

17. The best way to show affection for someone is to touch the grossest thing possible, and then touch their face.

Bonus! My toddler also believes that an obese man with a red suit and a grey beard is going to squeeze through a small hole in our roof to give him presents. It gets richer and richer, and some of these things you just can’t correct. Not yet.