I want you to know that you are the definition of brave. Today you are in my thoughts and I’m praying for you.
This morning, I woke up with tears in my eyes… because it has been eight years since it happened. Eight years since I secretly endured pain and eight years since I lost my unborn child.
It was my first pregnancy, but an unplanned one. When I found out I was expecting, instead of celebrating I sat on the toilet pan holding a positive test, crying, because I desperately wanted it to be negative. Why? Because I was scared of judgement. I was a teenager, unmarried and dating a man (who, I might add, is now my husband). What would the world say? What would my parents say?
I only realised the bond of motherhood when I sat on that same toilet pan weeks later, but this time enduring pain. Pain like I had never experienced before.
Even though I wasn’t a mother yet, I still had a connection with my growing baby. I wanted to protect that precious angel, but I couldn’t. I failed, or rather that was how I felt. I wanted to cry…
Sometimes we think that it’s best to keep a miscarriage a secret, but honestly it isn’t. Years have passed and I still think about my baby – even though I accepted that what had happened, happened for a reason. I wish that I had said something earlier… but I was too scared.
Today, I want you to know that I feel your pain too. The pain of losing a child before even having one. The pain of having a miscarriage, but not knowing what is happening to your body. The pain of feeling helpless and weak.
I remember that day like it was yesterday… I was alone and scared. No one knew what was going on.
I locked myself in the bathroom and screamed silently. The pain was unbearable. What was happening to me? This can’t be normal! Why am I bleeding? My partner wasn’t even in the country, how would I tell him? What could he do from there?
I sat on that toilet pan and crouched my body, hoping it would stop the pain, but it only got worse. At that moment, I realised this was goodbye. Goodbye to my unborn baby and goodbye to the pregnancy that I had just accepted. Was this a test from God? Because for me – it was a night of torture! Was this happening because I did not plan this pregnancy?
It doesn’t matter if it was planned or not, a miscarriage will still tear you apart emotionally.
I grieved secretly while I pretended everything was okay. I cried inside while I smiled in front of others. There were moments when I sat and thought about what my precious angel would have looked like. I blamed myself for months. I hated my body for giving me something so precious but then snatching it away in seconds.
I wished I had done more, but the truth is I can’t change what was meant to happen. There’s always a reason behind a miscarriage.
Your heart may be shattered today, but one day it will be glued back together I promise.
Today I’m blessed with three gorgeous kids who helped me through my moments of grief. You will also find a reason to smile again. I know that right now it may not seem like it, right now you want to explore every what if…what could I have done…what…why? I just want you to know that this is not because of you, not because of something that you’ve done. The power of life and death is not in your hands. Only God knows the answers to your questions – just know that you are not at fault.
It is okay to think about your unborn baby and it is okay to cry. There will be moments of weakness, but don’t let it control you. Rise up and dust off the negativity. I know it’s hard to let go, but forgive yourself and accept what has happened so that the joy can return to your life like it did in mine.
Remember you are a strong woman. You have to make the choice. You need to know that you have to find a reason to go on, someone needs you. Be the person that you were meant to be and let this setback set the stage for your comeback.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day