A strange thing happens when you have a baby…

Life changes. You change. Suddenly you find yourself doing things you never in a zillion years dreamed you’d do. Gross things. Weird things. Things that go against every voguish fiber in your body, like…

  1. Eating food that’s been in someone else’s mouth

So, a few weeks ago my little one stumbled up to me and spat out the fruit stick he was munching on. Without hesitation, I stuck out my hand and caught it to protect the plush and rather expensive-looking carpet under our feet.

Now here’s the conundrum, there wasn’t a bin in sight and I didn’t want to hold the sticky gunk in my hand. So what did I do? I popped the half-chewed, saliva-covered mush into my mouth and swallowed. Yes, it was gross. Yes, I felt like vomiting as it made its way down my oesophagus. And yes, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s not the last time that I’ll be doing that.

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  1. Having a golden shower

OK, so it’s not what you think. Well it is what you think, but not in that context. Look, I’m as risqué as the next girl, but a golden shower is taking things a bit (and by a bit, I mean A LOT) too far. Unfortunately these (yes, it happened more than once) weren’t voluntary.

Let’s just say I learnt early on and very quickly to have the new nappy in the ready-for-action position when changing my son. The little bugger used to wait until I had undone his dirty diaper before peeing – all over me. It didn’t matter how quick I became at changing him, his timing and aim was always impeccable. Thankfully that’s a phase that seems to have passed.

  1. Sniffing a butt

The thought of having to sniff a butt never really occurred to me until I had my baby. It’s just one of those things you don’t really have to consider, unless you’re sitting in a super-packed London tube (but that’s a different story all together).

Now it’s a daily occurrence. Look, no matter how deeply you feel for your child, no mom actually enjoys doing it. It’s not like the ‘unconditional love’ you feel has the magical ability to make your child’s poop smell like roses, and nothing can prepare you for some of the more offensive attacks on your olfactory system. But it comes with the job, and for lack of a better phrase, you just have to suck it up…