Last updated on Jun 21st, 2021 at 11:11 am
Finding the world rather bland, Alice whispered to her cat: “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.” Turns out you actually don’t need your own alternate universe to inject some weirdness into your life. Having a child is all you need to have you thinking you are in Alice’s wonderland.
All the things you couldn’t have because they were expensive, or because they weren’t vegetables, or because it was a school night, according to your party-pooping-parents, are introduced to your own child by these Very Same People. Apparently the job of grandparents is to make the child’s life grand, by morphing from those who rain on the parade to those who throw the parade.
Poo – your most frequently used word
Another sure sign you have crossed over to a slightly unhinged parallel universe is that poo will become one of your most frequently used words. A typical conversation: “Babe, has the baby pooed today? What colour was it?” – This casual approach comes only after you overcome the shock of the quantity and variety of milk by-products your baby produces.
Around the time you start talking to your man about the colour of baby excrement, you may notice that your biggest turn-on is no longer a guy in a well-tailored suit or one with glistening muscles, but he who volunteers to investigate the colour of the poo.
Breastfeeding in public
Other things that will get way more attention that you would have thought acceptable are your boobs and bump. If you breastfeed, despite your stance on public breastfeeding, circumstances will conspire to have you whip out your boob in public.
Yes, there are things you can cover your baby with while breastfeeding in public. This may come as a surprise, but like many adults, most babies do not enjoy eating with a large piece of fabric over their heads. So your private boobies become public boobies, and elicit all sorts of responses.
Some people will look and smile. Be wary of the ones whose hands are under the table. Others will be offended and glare at you. People in restaurants dominate the latter group. Yes, strangers eating in public will complain when your child also elects to eat in front of people she doesn’t know.
The weird things strangers do
Breastfeeding in public may be polarising, but one area of unity is that it is okay to walk up to a complete stranger and rub her belly as long as she is pregnant.
This disrespect for your personal space applies to similar customs in this altered universe, like strangers abandoning their shopping trolleys to run their grubby fingers through your baby’s hair. Generally they do this without even glancing at you, the owner of said child.
When they do initiate eye contact it is to give you unsolicited child-rearing advice, which never includes not allowing complete strangers to place their germ-riddled hands on your baby’s head. At this point it is okay to give poo a break and use the other word.