Last updated on Jun 25th, 2015 at 12:09 pm
Hey full-term baby!
Yeah you, with the chubby cheeks and the umbilical cord stump.
You and me, we had the same due date, but I’m already four months old. As your seasoned elder, they’re going to be comparing me to you, but I need you to know a few things.
- I survived the roughest start there is to life. I’ve got major street cred in the NICU.
- You came out screaming, and I was quiet. Like a one-pound ninja.
- I didn’t practice breathing in utero or do any hiccups; I took my first breaths on my own because I taught myself. I’ll let that fact sink in … I TAUGHT MYSELF TO BREATHE.
- You may look all chubby and adorable, but you’ll never put on as much weight as me. I’ve already quadrupled my birth weight in four months.
- I’ve spent a lot of time with people that have doctorates and masters degrees. But they follow my lead, because I dictate how things are going to be.
- I may look scrappy, but I’m tough. I can yank IVs, breathing tubes and feeding tubes out when my nurses turn their backs. How’s the rattle going for you?
- Sure, you’ll probably walk and talk first, but that’s because I’m letting you. I’ve worked hard already and enjoy taking things slow now that I’ve broken out of the incubator.
- You might keep up with that “weight problem” of yours, with all the milk you’re drinking, but no one will ooh and aah over your fat rolls like my parents do over mine.
- While you’re fumbling around over there getting acclimated to your suckling reflex, I’ve already been breastfeeding since I was three pounds.
- Everyone will like my pictures on Facebook for the rest of my life. Because I’m a preemie rock star.
So congratulations on joining the ranks of babies everywhere! I’m glad I could show you how things work.