I have been married for exactly six months and I am going nuts. Basically I am married to a very sweet and caring man – while he is awake.
I cannot stand him when he is asleep! He snores like a freight train and does this funny loud grunt that often startles me awake. My heart is then pounding and I really battle to fall asleep again because he goes from grunt to freight train mode.
He also has the most terrible wind at night!
This is so disgusting and I am not interested in being near him in bed. This is affecting our intimacy and I know that he is not happy with me never being in the mood.
This may sound like a stupid problem to have, but I am never gettign enough sleep and I am getting increasingly irritable. He is a good provider and we are good friends. My old school friend and her husband are due to come and stay with us for a week and I am so embarrassed at the thought because the guest room is just next to ours.
My mom stayed over last month and she commented on how loud my husband is at night!
We also have friends that have invited us to go camping with them and I keep making excuses. My husband does not understand why I am reluctant to go and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him the truth. Normally we can talk about most things openly.
Thank You for your letter. You have clearly passed the initial honeymoon stage of your marriage and real life is crowding in!
Adjusting to living with another person, even one that you adore, is, well, an adjustment. Depending on your personalities and habits, this can be much harder work for some than others . It does not mean that the problems are insurmountable or that your relationship is doomed, it just means that you will have to look for creative solutions and work together to find them.
You need to start by having an honest conversation with your husband
You say that you can talk about most things. You need to up that conversation list to include all things. Open and honest, constructive communication is key to the survival of any relationship.
Golden rules for conversations include some basic rules that would apply to trying to tiptoe past a tiger: make sure that he is not hungry or tired and does not have the remote in his hand –the latter in the case of the husband, not the tiger.
Think about why you want to sort this issue out
If one night you rearrange the pillow (tightly over his face) so that he stops snoring, you will probably be relocated to a sleeping facility where there are an equal number of women, as you had at your bridal shower, snoring in your room.
You love this man in the day and you would like to extend this to the night so that when you finally celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary it does not more accurately add up to your 10th because you had to count only 12 hour days.
Start your conversation by reflecting on the positives
Tell him that you want to be able to talk about everything and that you are deeply unhappy about the effect that his snoring and flatulence are having on you. When he knows that his behaviour is having a negative effect on you, he will hopefully be proactive about finding a solution.
Something as simple as medicinal coal can help with excessive flatulence. I am sure that your pharmacist can recommend other natural remedies as well. There are many products available to alleviate snoring , depending on the cause of it.
Excessive alcohol at night can reduce even a refined lady to a snoring pirate. Smoking , being overweight and other health problems can also contribute to snoring and so it is worth getting to the bottom of why your man in snoring. He will have a better night’s sleep as well when this is dealt with.
When we think of freight train snoring, images of men fill our mind
Apparently woman can raise as much noise in the bedroom (not the good kind of noise) but I suspect men, with their preference to occasionally hear the good noise, do not make too much mention of this…
Once you have this honest things-I-hate-about-you conversation, be prepared to possibly have him share some annoying habits that you may have as well. Of course these will be dainty lady-like little annoyances I am sure, but remember that it is far better to be kindly honest and work together to building a happy, pleasant-smelling home than pretending, so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings.
You will face many challenges in your marriage
View this as a challenge that you are going to work on together and it will strengthen your marriage and your communication skills for the future difficult conversations.
You are Beautiful!
Love and Blessings