If you suddenly find yourself preaching the enforcement of common-knowledge rules with great conviction, chances are you’re a toddler parent…
Participation in modern-day civilisation requires familiarity with some basic unwritten rules, such as the generally accepted social taboo on using certain parts of your body as storage areas. If you suddenly find yourself preaching the enforcement of those common-knowledge rules with great conviction, chances are you’re either one of those airport security people with the scary dogs or a parent.
It appears as though our toddler operates under his own set of rules that not only don’t coincide with civilisation’s, but often undermine society’s very core. I am pretty sure that if you have a toddler, you know what I mean.
I’ve identified a few rules by which toddlers operate:
- If it’s your brother’s, it’s yours. If it’s yours, it’s also yours. But definitely not your brother’s.
- Your mother’s plate is an extension of yours. Actually, scratch that. Your mother’s plate is also yours.
- If it tastes bad, put it in mama’s mouth. That’s the nice thing to do. If you want to be bad or discreet, put it on her shirt or pants.
- If you don’t get what you’re asking for, shout louder.
- When in doubt, throw something.
- The toilet is a magical transportation device.
- Buttons – real and metaphorical – are made for pushing.
- “I don’t want it” is the only way to end a conversation that begins with 50 “I want its”.
- Pinching is funny.
- When something is funny, say it 50 times.
- At least once a day, engage in a life-threatening activity, but only when your mom is there.
- You know what else is funny? If you behave all day for your dad on the one day he watches you.
- “Sorry” marks the natural completion of an action, not a statement of regret.
- Reason and logic are totally overrated.
- NEVER. EVER. AGREE. TO CHANGE. YOUR. NAPPY.