Many women struggle to reach orgasm, and there are numerous factors which can affect a woman’s journey to climax…

Relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist, Leandie Buys weighs in on what women (and their partners) can do to boost their enjoyment of intimate moments.


Just as fingerprints are unique, orgasms are unique for every woman.

An orgasm can be a light, warm feeling in the pit of your stomach, or a whole-body experience. Only 20 to 30 percent of women can have orgasms during penetrative intercourse.

For women, sex is multi-dimensional and their brain is their largest sex organ! How they feel about sex is affected by their emotions, their physical and psychological well-being, their relationships and their environment. All of these things have to come together in order for a woman to fully enjoy the sexual experience. Stress, relationship issues, previous experiences and worry all affect the ability to orgasm.

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If you’re struggling with stress from work, try to do something relaxing at home before you engage in intercourse with your partner. Take a bath, read a book or spend time chatting to your partner so that your focus shifts from ‘work life’ to ‘home life’. Deep breathing and relaxation exercises are also highly effective and can be downloaded off the internet – find the one that suits you best.

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Try different methods of stimulation

Clitoral stimulation is one of the keys to orgasm, and 15-20 minutes of clitoral stimulation should be added to your foreplay to increase lubrication and decrease pain and discomfort during penetration.

Remember, every woman has to experiment to find the right ‘orgasm formula’ for herself. There is a great book by Dr. Vivienne Cass called The elusive orgasm” which describes how all women experience orgasms differently. For some, it might be a breath-taking experience and for others, it might be a light “flutter” on the stomach.

The key is not to focus on the ‘end result’. Enjoy the entire sexual experience. Take things slow, and don’t make orgasm the goal of intercourse.  If it becomes a goal, then it creates anxiety and stress in both partners who try to force themselves to reach climax.

If there is one rule about orgasms, it’s this: the harder you try to have one, the further away the goal will seem. Pretending to orgasm is also not a solution as both parties know the truth, and it causes frustration and disunity between partners. Rather just enjoy being intimate and close to your partner and allow orgasm to be a ‘bonus’ rather than an essential part of the sexual experience.

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