Relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist, Leandie Buys recommends that couples do a relationship recon. Figuring out the ‘health’ of your relationship will help you decide whether or not you need to seek help to relight the spark, or how you and your partner can support each other more. Here’s Leandie’s advice on the red flags to look out for, and some tough questions you need to ask yourself.


Do you ever sit down and take a careful look at your relationship? Do you ever “rate your relationship” and evaluate how you and your partner are doing?…

Every year, we set goals for our lives in terms of our careers and personal goals like weight loss, but do we ever set goals for our relationships? I would advise you to sit down every few months and look at how you and your partner are doing. Check in with each other. Make sure that your relationship status is healthy and there aren’t any red flags to look out for.

Where are you and your partner right now? Are you an 8/10 or a 5/10 or less?

It is never too late to start working on your relationship. Rather start sooner than later. Give it your best shot to avoid regrets later in life.

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Over the years, I have counselled hundreds of couples, and I’ve seen incredible stories of healing and reconnection. You might thing that your relationship is ‘un-saveable’ but believe me, with the help of a dedicated counsellor, and a willing couple, nothing is impossible.

If you rated yourself below 5/10, or even less, what are the things contributing towards your overall unhappiness with the relationship?

So what is making you a 5/10?   (or less!)

  • We no longer make time for each other.
  • We don’t have much to talk about.
  • We prefer to spend time with friends and family rather being alone together.
  • We prefer to do things on our own rather than together
  • We choose our own gifts. He/she just needs to pay for it.
  • We don’t even like each other’s jokes – they are actually irritating.
  • We prefer to avoid conflict therefor we don’t speak about things that upset us.
  • We have become selective in our sharing, because we no longer feel safe in the relationship.
  • We are still together mostly because of the children.
  • We hardly have sex anymore it has become another “job”, and most of the time we avoid it.

All of the above are red flags! They are signs that your relationship is in need of help.

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The good news is that relationships can be re-built – you just have to stop making excuses

Maybe you have suggested before that you need to see a professional, but you decided not to because you don’t want to share your ‘private business’ with someone else. Or it’s too expensive, or it’s too inconvenient and you just don’t have time right now…

If these sound like familiar excuses, then you need to figure out what your priorities really are.

  • Don’t leave space in your relationship for someone else to enter in.
  • Where are you? Do you want to make positive changes in your relationship?

Now you need to ask yourself some tough questions:

1.     How did you contribute to the state that your relationship is currently in?

Stop blaming your partner, or using work, kids, and responsibilities as an excuse. Be brutally honest with yourself right now, and figure out what YOU as an individual can do to help make the relationship better.

2.     What would you miss most?

Ask yourself this difficult question about your partner: “If today was the last day I’d ever see you, what would I miss most? What are the things I would not miss, and what are the things that I would regret never telling you?”

These are some seriously tough questions to ask yourself, and to gauge how much your relationship and your partner mean to you at this point in time.

Are you ready to seek help? Reach out to a professional to help you pave the way to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.