Here are some useful tips on how to survive the credit crunch (note: you need a sense of humour too)…..
1. DON’T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
2. DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
3. SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741GP.
4. DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
5. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
6. HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
7. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
8. SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
9. SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to the hospice shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.
10. CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
11. MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
12. SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.