89-year-old veteran, Robert Mugabe, is confident of yet another victory in Zimbabwe’s national election that is taking place at the end of July 2013.
Without doubt, the international media will whip poor Bob for trying to extend his eventful 33 year rule once more, so it’s only fitting to offer an alternative perspective on the matter.
Wonkie’s political think-tank came up with 7 good reasons why Zimbabweans are likely to vote for Mugabe in his 2013 election campaign:
Interestingly enough, for many, the need to stay alive with all their limbs intact generally proves to be a strong motivating factor in decision-making.
While the national elections in Zimbabwe may be fair, Mugabe losing said election will certainly not be.
The West may not like it, but Zimbabwe has created more billionaires in the last decade than the rest of the world put together.
Granted that you now need several million Zimbabwe dollars to just buy a loaf of bread, let us not take anything away from Mugabe’s milestone achievement. Those who have enriched themselves under Mugabe’s rule will also see no reason to vote for Morgan Tsvangirai of the opposition MDC party.
3. National Growth
Lateral thinkers in Zimbabwe will likely vote for Mugabe because, unbeknownst to vertical thinkers, Mugabe has been following an ingenious strategy that is proving to be very successful.
Wonkie’s inside sources have discovered Zanu-PF strategy documents that indicate that destroying Zimbabwe’s economy is an integral part of Zimbabwe’s 200 year plan (and here you thought that only China had those!).
By creating the very real impression of hardship in Zimbabwe, Mugabe has legally been able to dispatch millions of entrepreneurial Zimbabweans to occupy neighbouring countries through regular immigration channels. Slowly but surely, all of Southern Africa will soon belong to Zimbabwe – mwahahaha!
4. Mental Illness
Wonkie’s detailed research indicates that many Zimbabweans stopped remembering new things quite soon after independence just over 30 years ago.
New things like ruined infrastructure, a collapsed economy, etc. For them, Robert Mugabe and the Zanu-PF party will forever be heroes – freedom fighters, not unlike Nelson Mandela. This mental illness phenomenon is highly contagious and has, in fact, already started taking root in South Africa too. Scary.
5. Social Science
You certainly don’t need to be a rocket scientist to observe the strong downward trend in Zimbabwe’s wellbeing over the last 30 years.
Many in the social sciences, and in Zimbabwe, believe that nature follows cycles. They are convinced that things will turn around shortly. Sure, the bread basket case of Africa has gone through a small rough patch, but Mugabe deserves a chance to rule while it’s on the up too… it’s only fair that he should.
We are not talking about fickle citizens, easily swayed with the usual nationalist rhetoric like: “We believe in Africa for Africans, Zimbabwe for Zimbabweans.”
Mugabe is one of the foremost international role models for true dictators everywhere. After the fall of Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, these role models have become a rare breed indeed.
If nothing else, many Zimbabweans will vote for Bob simply because they are proud of their ruler. Who knows, with their help, he might even take Zimbabwe into the history books as the country with the first 100-year-old leader. How cool would that be.
Deep down inside, there is surely a part of everyone that is morbidly curious to see how long the mental 89-year-old will last at the helm?
What unusual decisions and wild accusations will Mugabe make next? Vote for Mugabe and you will likely find out next month!
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