Experiencing sexual fade-out doesn’t mean that your marriage is doomed
There once was a time that you and your partner chased each other around the house – passionate, loved-up and full of energy!
Somewhere along the line though, things changed, and those super-sexy date nights and the fun that followed, became few and far between…
… which is completely normal – according to research.
Researchers say that, within two to four years, the chemical connection (and that loving, zesty feeling) between couples begins to wear off – and so does the extra-hot, extra-often sex.
Experiencing sexual fade-out doesn’t mean that your marriage is doomed, though. In fact, it’s 100% possible to re-energise your relationship – and add new sparks!
World-famous relationship guru, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, Esther Perel, tells us how:
8 Tips for keeping the lust alive in your relationship
1. Stay playful
The goal isn’t just about getting our partner to want to sleep with you – it’s to remind you both what it’s like to have fun with each other – inside and outside the bedroom. So, make jokes, flirt a little and act frisky!
2. Explore new spots
Recapture the titillating, spontaneous feeling of dating, by trying something new!
Experiencing something for the first time as a couple is key and helps your relationship stay vibrant. Plus, you’ll have new things to talk about, like how good that new restaurant was, or how challenging that hike turned out to be!
3. Recapture the intrigue
When you first got together, you were both, no doubt, engaged as you listened closely to what the other person had to say about work or upcoming milestones.
Recapture that intrigue by, say, sneaking in to watch him lead a work presentation; or asking to tag along to one of his business meetings. When he’s in his element, the confidence you can see in him is deeply attractive. It’ll remind you how desirable he is. (And vice versa, when he watches you doing your thing.)
4. Hit rewind
Take a page from the ‘seduction playbook’ that worked for you when you first started seeing each other.
Get that blowdry you used to make sure you had before a date. Talk to each other about what you want more of in bed, the way you used to.
5. Don’t forget to pay each other compliments
It sounds simple, but when he’s heading out the door, say, “Stop – let me just look at you”. Telling your partner how you cherish and adore him will make him appreciate your relationship, and he’ll likely start reciprocating. This can help build back your wells of desire.
6. Take control!
Rebuild excitement by continuing to find ways to switch things up.
For example, instead of following your normal bedtime routine (getting undressed, brushing your teeth), introduce something different. Stop him before he walks over to his closet, and make out with him first – even a small change can make sex feel a little different.
7. Know yourself
Don’t force it! The ideal is balancing a new type of erotic seduction with the knowledge that your partner is someone you deeply love.
So, spend some time thinking about what you do find seductive, then pursue that. Taking risks can revive your sex drive, for sure, but you still want to feel safe.
8. Take a little space
It’s hard to spice up your sex life – and rekindle your attraction to each other – if you don’t feel sexy yourself.
Prioritise doing a few things that make you feel good on your own. It could be a regular night out with your friends or a standing gym session. Then, when you reunite with your partner, you’ll have stories to share and discuss – plus you’ll feel better about yourself, and thus more confident and desirable!
Esther Perel is set to share more insight into modern love on her first South African tour (where she will be joined by poet David Whyte) this October. For more info on the Johannesburg event, click here – and, for the Cape Town event, click here.
You can also sign up for Esther’s newsletter at EstherPerel.com