Talking about sex with your partner can be hard

Sex in a committed relationship can be bed-shaking, neighbour-waking and anxiety-freeing. If that’s true, then why is being in a committed relationship the time when many of us stop wanting it?

It only takes one partner’s focus on an actual, or anticipated, or perceived sexual dysfunction to disconnect both during the act. It might even affect their desire in the future.

Can you relate to that?

Whether we like to admit it or not, the partner with the least desire for sex usually controls the frequency and quality of sex

Men who ejaculate in 1,9 seconds may even condition their romantic partner to become sexually inert and unenthusiastic, in response to their lack of sexual mastery.

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Think back to your past relationships, or maybe even the one you’re in now – the partner with less sexual desire controls almost every element of your intimate activities.

In the case of a woman having less desire than her male partner, he may put pressure on her. Understandably, this sexual pressure causes major dysfunction in the relationship, including reducing her sexual desire even more.

Here’s how sexual pressure from men can kill a woman’s sexual desire:

Let’s look at a stereotypical relationship: Meet James and Marie.

James wants sex three times a week, but Marie prefers it every 10 days. This difference typically causes problems which, like an avalanche, can bury the erotic desire in a committed relationship.

Here are the five basic problems:

1. Woman more sexually active before the committed relationship

Despite marriage offering emotional security, the increasing value of one’s partner can challenge sexual desire.

Unfortunately, the comfort of letting someone into your heart can turn couples into approval-seeking robots rather than erotically exploring partners.

As James pressures Marie to ‘spice up’ their sexual encounters, Marie loses the desire to even try, so James tries to make Marie want sex.

2. Trying to make the woman want sex

As men, we have been culturally conditioned that being a ‘good lover’ reinforces our masculinity, in the same way that a boy allegedly becomes a man when he ‘scores’ sex for the first time.

This conditioning has taught James that his sense of self comes in part from his sex life. As a result, he ‘needs’ Marie to respond to his sexual advances in order to validate his masculinity.

When James was a bachelor, he measured his self-worth by how many women desired him and how aroused they became when they were with him.

Here is a valuable message to all men, about female sexual desire: Women want a partner who uses sex to cultivate intimacy, rather than to demonstrate prowess.

As James struggled to understand Marie’s sexual disinterest, he blamed her gender training.

Despite marriage offering emotional security, the increasing value of one’s partner can challenge sexual desire

He told her she was sexually inadequate, instead of confronting his own feelings of sexual inadequacy. Blaming her blinded him to the truth about himself, so when Marie didn’t respond to his advances, he attacked her for it.

3. Blaming the woman’s lack of sexual desire for their lack of sex

As James blames the lack of sex on Marie’s low desire, Marie is less inclined to open her erotic book.

Never has blaming someone for their incapacity to be more sexual ever motivated someone to be more sexual. As James attempts to make Marie want sex (and him), she wants it less.

James’s accusations have forced her into a sexually defeated corner. There was no way for Marie to gain sexual ‘status’ by increasing her sexual desire, because any success would validate that James was right.

Not to mention that James acts as if hurting Marie’s feelings will make her more likely to have sex with him.

It does quite the opposite. When the level of sexual desire is mismatched between partners, it can cause significant problems that don’t stem from sexual pressure from men. I’ve written more on that topic here.

4. Woman is unmotivated to improve sex

With very little to gain and very little to lose, Marie is unmotivated to improve sex. She has already forfeited her sexual competence to his blame game.

As Marie becomes more closed off from sex, James begins to fear looking inadequate. This fuels his desperate attempts to keep her interested in sex.

James perceives Marie’s closed-offness as rejection. With these three tips, she can help stop him from taking it personally.

5. Man’s dependence makes him powerless and less desirable

In a relationship like this, women often have a paradoxical experience: They feel inadequate, yet powerful.

When Marie was angry with James, she could jerk James’s leash by not responding to him sexually, turning him into a needy boy desperate to validate his masculinity. When she wasn’t angry, his little-boy neediness was unattractive.

His pressure to increase Marie’s sexual desire made him powerless and pushed their relationship into sexual gridlock.

Frequent invitations allowed Marie to remain passive. She could have as much sex as she wanted, when she wanted, without ever initiating it.

James, like many men, was dependent on what the woman did.

Both parties are to blame in this scenario, because the woman in this context is conditioning her man to badger her for sex.

A relationship always takes two to tango

The solution requires an uncomfortable effort of personal growth from both partners.

The man must learn how to hold on to himself in the face of a disinterested partner, while the woman must learn how to boldly explore her sexuality and rebel against shame or cultural norms. The man needs to break free from the belief that his masculinity is defined by his sexual performance.

Both partners need to learn how to stop being slaves to the perceptions of others. This requires working on improving self worth, to feel better about themselves and less defective – so they can become masters of their wild erotic sexuality.

Pressuring partners to measure up to our sexual standards is not the way to have more sex. Low sexual desire is a signal for both partners to grow – it’s not the time for sexual pressure. A lack of passion can encourage you to reach for your highest potential as a lover and person.

Sexual mastery is not a journey for the faint of heart! 

It requires facing anxiety, self-worth issues, and overcoming perceptions that inhibit our sexuality.

Read Kyle’s full article here.