Having been put on a special diet for six to eight weeks to kill off a parastic infection in my gut, I’m horrified and depressed to find out what I won’t be eating (or drinking) for the next few weeks.
My favourite way to relax at the end of a day is to settle on the couch with a couple of glasses of wine, a good smelly cheese or oozing brie and some salty biscuits. The sad news is that this particular combination is poison on a plate to my system at the moment.
First (and most devastating) on the NO list is wine (wine is full of sugar and yeast)

Apparently after two weeks I can add whisky (in moderation) to my diet. I’m counting the days…
As far as the food goes, no bread, white flour, rice or pasta, cakes, sweets, puddings, ice cream or chocolate (sob!). And definitely no cheese or mushrooms – the mould and fungi is a feast for my bug!
And just so that the universe can show me exactly how hard this is going to be, my first stop after the doctor is my bookclub where dinner is homemade pizza with – wait for it – cheese and mushrooms … washed down with wine or fruit juice!
The bug has been in my system for 10 years according to the GP/kinesiologist – so what’s one more day? I’ll start tomorrow…
Off I go to Woolworths to stock up on rice cakes and peanut butter – only to get home and read that no peanuts or peanut butter is allowed.
I butter said rice cakes and consult my list of banned foods: no cheese, sandwich spread, jam, syrup, Marmite, Oxo or Bovril. What the frigging hell does one put on a rice cake if I’m not allowed cheese or spreads, mayonnaise or pates?

A sad and pathetic lunch of tomato and cucumber-topped rice cakes later, I decided to study the list of foods I CAN eat.
This is what I’ll be living on for the next few weeks (apparently):
Chicken, fish and red meat (but no mercury-filled tuna, bacon or biltong)
Vegetables – preferably raw or steamed but no legumes or potatoes for the first two weeks
Wholewheat pasta and brown rice (I THINK these are ok – the experts on the web are divided – I’m going with the ‘yes’ group)
Rice cakes and RyeVita – Provitas not allowed
Eggs, eggs and more eggs – as breakfast is now severely limited.
Did you know that even bloody All-Bran contains sugar? I mean come on, give me a break here….
Oats are ok after the first two weeks – and so is sugar-free Weetbix. Sugar free? I didn’t even know there was ANY sugar in Weetbix!
My favourite muesli is out of the question – it contains raisins which are evil too, I’m told.
And that awful, bland sugar-free Bulgarian yogurt is the only one I’m allowed.
I hope I’ve gathered heaps of sympathy now and I’m sure you’re all glad that it isn’t you on this utterly tragic soul and mould-destroying diet. The only consolation is that sans my daily regular diet of bread, cheese, coffee, wine and chocolate, the weight should literally drop off!
Off to make my sugar-free herbal tea, while trying to ignore the rusk/biscuit/nut/chocolate snack shelf in my pantry…

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