Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who is staying with a man who doesn’t want to settle down, becasue she feels sorry for him…
My name is Deniece I’m 20 years old and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 30 years old for over two years now.
In the beginning of our relationship we had sparks flying and everything seemed like a fairytale but what I can say is that the way the relationship was then is exactly the way it is now – and that’s constant arguing, a lot of emotional attraction where we’re there for one another, but I’m there for him more than he is for me.
He has a drinking problem that he won’t admit to and says he has under control but I know why he drinks because he has opened up to me like maybe five times ever since we started dating.
He doesn’t want to get married
Actually let me get to the point of it all, this guy keeps telling me that he’ll never get married, that he would rather be alone, just him and his car and his money.
When I tell him to leave because I don’t need someone like that in my life, that’s when he starts acting like he cares and wants the relationship to work.
Why does he do that? I honestly do want to leave him because I’ve just been hurting for so long but I feel sorry for him that’s why I can’t leave him. Why are we doing this to one another?
Thank you for your letter. Let me start with your last question….Why are we doing this to one another?
Your guy drinks, way too much by the sound of things, but he is ok with that and even has reasons to justify it. He never wants to be tied down in a long-term relationship and he is ok with that.
He may end up alone with his car and his money for company and he is ok with that. He knows where to go for emotional support and will offer a small portion of support in return. He is ok with that too.
For the last two years he has been in a relationship with a girl who complains a bit, but hey, she is still with him! It seems as though this man has been very straight with you. He is prepared to take all you are giving and offer little in return.
Change? Now why would he consider doing that? This arrangement has been working for him for two years!
You feel that you should stay because you don’t want to hurt him
I can see how you – expecting a sober man, who emotionally commits and with whom you may have a future – would hurt him, especially if those were the terms you needed in order to stay.
In his defence, he has been honest with you
If you are hoping that you signed up for a long term commitment with a man who is prepared to put some labour into love and who will stay sober long enough to do that, you have not read the bold print, never mind the small print!
The glue holding your relationship together seems to be pity
That’s like the Little Pig that built his house out of straw. Certainly not a strong enough house to live happily ever after in! If you want to be safe and happy in your house, you should build alongside a Little Pig that builds with bricks and is prepared to put in all the labour that comes with that!
You are beautiful!
Love and blessings