Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who is involved with a younger man, and who is worried that they don’t have a future together…
Good day Annie
I am a 41-year-old woman and I have a 17-year-old son. I met a very attractive guy who is 24: he thinks the relationship wil work and he believes age is just a figure.
He also says if we really want to work for something, we can win
His mom is also approving and advised him that if he really wants this realtionship to work and really wants me, he must go for it. My mom says go for it and what is there to lose?
My problem is (and I told him this): Should a girl of his age come his way, he will definitely not want to sit with me, as at my age I do have wrinkles and my body has changed after birthing and feeding a baby. I also do not have that 24-year-old tight body skin, I do have a bit of cellulite etc etc.
I also was hurt a few times in my life and I do not want to get hurt again
I do not want to be in competition with younger girls. I have my jealous moments from time to time – will this not get worst because I must always try and look my best at all times?
We are chatting via smses, and we went out over the weekend, but I am the one who does not want to let it go further for now, because I am scared and if I think logically, I cannot see that this can work.
I am at a age where I do think of my old age: how will a guy like this be security for me, he works and studies at the moment but still, it does makes me wonder.
We discussed children and he said he would like to have a child
I told him straight that I am not prepared to have another child. Not at my age. He said that if God decided that children are not meant to be for him, then he will accept it totally. He is even prepared to go for a vasectomy for me.
Only six years older than my son
Another thing: How can I tell my child that I am going into a relationship with a guy who is only six years older than he is?
Please help and give me your overall opinion on whether such a relationship can work and be successful at all.
Thank you
Regards
Eileen
Dear Eileen
Thank you for your letter. It takes courage to be public about uncomfortable issues, but if you are wanting to pursue your relationship, it will have to be general knowledge at some point, so what better way than to announce it in a very large, popular magazine!
People who get into relationships with a greater than 15 year age gap, always face added challenges that they must overcome if the relationship stands any chance at success.
Older women falling for younger men is common enough for them to have earned a name
Cougar mamma may not be flattering, but it is certainly entertaining enough to be the theme of TV sitcoms. So the first challenge that you will face is that everyone will be intrigued about real-life TV in their midst and will talk about it!
They will mostly likely pay no attention to Thumper’s mamma’s advice in the Bambi movie: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” Can you handle that?
While your now sitcom-like life qualifies for a theme song, you will only be able to agree on an 80s song if he has heard a new remix of your old favourite. If you have survived all the people talking and different music tastes, it is time to consider other real life issues.
Family is on top of that list!
If you have their support that is a huge advantage! Family and close friends see the warts that our rose-tinted glasses fail to pick up. They know and love us and their insight is very valuable.
Your son may find it hard to accept any man in your life. Have realistic expectations and allow him to decide when he is ready to meet your man. Hopefully he will see the qualities that you see.
You need to realise your worth
What do you have to offer a man in a relationship? When you gave up your youthful body, did you trade it for superior gifts? Consider what you know about yourself and what life has taught you. Would you trade it all for cellulite-free thighs and perky pre-baby parts? You need to know your worth before you can expect other people to recognise it!
Most people wonder if a toy boy is looking for financial security when he finds a cougar mamma
You will need to decide if part of your appeal is what you are able to offer financially. Will he ever be in a situation where he is able to offer you financial security, even if that is not now? Are you going to be required to support him in some way, while he qualifies?
It sounds like you are at the beginning stages of your relationship. Is there a rush? Can you pursue a friendship for now and see if it lasts? A friendship offers far more rewards than risks, and if it does grow into love, it has a much better survival rate!
You are beautiful!
Love and blessings
Annie