Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who is dating a divorced man still dealing with the fallout from his marriage…..
I’ve been in a relationship for nine months now with a recently divorced guy who is 49. He has only been divorced for a very short time (less than two years) and he is obviously clearly not anywhere from being over his divorce.
He said he is over her but he is still very angry about having had to pay her out a large sum of money in the divorce settlement. She took most of his pension and he is very angry because he is now unable to provide for his retirement.
He has two boys who only used to come to him every second weekend, but now to complicate matters even further, his two boys have recently come back to live with him permanently.
That has put more strain on our relationship because his focus has had to change more onto them than on me and our relationship.
I do find it very frustrating and sometimes I do not like having to share his attention with them. I also have a daughter of my own aged six and when the boys are not around then she is around permanently which hardly leaves us much private time together.
I do have an occasional break when she goes to her dad for sleepovers.
Lately I’ve been very despondent and find it all too overwhelming
I’m the one who makes all the effort to come to his place as he doesn’t have a car and I’m finding it very tiring and if I didn’t make the effort then I would clearly not see as much of him.
He is trying to get a car but he wouldn’t be able to stay at my place with his boys because there isn’t enough space.
I know he needs time to heal from his divorce but it’s very worrying that he might never want to take our relationship to the next level because he was so badly burned from his divorce and of course right now he is adamant that he clearly does not want to get married again.
I need to know how long is a long enough or a good time to hang in there? Or do I cut my losses now?
Thank you for your letter. As if first marriages are not hard enough to succeed, statistics show that second marriages have an even lower success rate.
The most common reason for failure is not a manâ??s inability to appreciate the gem of a woman he is now married to â?? if that is what you were thinking!
Our precious darlings and his maybe-not-so-precious darlings are on the top of the list of reasons for failure
Unfortunately statistics for success in third marriages are frighteningly low and continue to dwindle in subsequent marriages. When we look at the low success rates we may wonder if it is worth the bother but surely, when we are armed with the knowledge of where potential mine fields are, we stand a better chance of crossing the field without being blown up!
It sounds like your man needs some time to heal and readjust to his new life
I wonder if he has worked out how you fit into that picture? Is it possible for you to step back and give him some time and space to work that out?
If he has a chance to re-evaluate what is important to him and sees that you are on the top of that list then he will make an effort to be with you. Perhaps he could get a baby sitter and take you out?
You would be wise to take care of yourself and not to invest too heavily into the relationship before you know where it is going.
If you care about this man, give him a fair chance to discover what he wants
You deserve to be with a man who really wants to be with you and who is prepared to make the necessary sacrifices to do so.
Knowing that the odds are stacked against you with the added complication of children, commitment is a non-negotiable requirement if you stand any chance of succeeding. He canâ??t pursue and chase you if you never go away.
You are Beautiful!
Love and Blessings