“We know we love each other, but we don’t really feel all that ‘in love’ with each other anymore”…
Many of the couples I work with in relationship therapy start out saying something along the lines of, “We know we love each other, but we don’t really feel all that ‘in love’ with each other anymore.”
By the time these couples finish marriage therapy, they have fallen back in love, and are enjoying a happier, more secure connection.
So based on my experience, here are seven ways that couples counselling can help you and your spouse fall back in love, rebuild the intimacy that once made your relationship so special, and be a better husband and/or wife.
1. You make your relationship a clear priority
Showing up for couples counselling is a signal to your spouse that they are your priority and that your relationship comes first.
That may not sound sexy to you, but it is!
As humans, we crave attention and want to know that we matter, and when we suddenly experience being our significant other’s priority and getting focused attention from them in spite of the inconvenience, cost, and initial discomfort of going to therapy, the frozen-up love feelings begin to thaw.
2. You learn how to communicate more effectively
You’ll learn to listen to each other in a new and improved way during counselling sessions.
Feeling really heard and completely understood infuses us with emotions of being in love. Remember in the early days of your relationship (when you were totally in love)? Remember how you spent hours talking to each other and feeling like nobody “got” you like your new partner?
Well, you can recapture that by tuning back in, sharpening your listening skills, and being each other’s confidant.
Feeling really heard and completely understood infuses us with emotions of being in love
3. You can be 100% honest with one another in a safe space
Couples counselling is a safe place to open up and be vulnerable.
Chances are that if you’re not feeling those “in love” feelings for your spouse, either one or both of you have built up a wall and you’ve stopped being completely open and vulnerable.
Intimacy and feeling in love go hand-in-hand with openness and vulnerability. A relationship therapist will help you tear down the wall so that you can create the open space to fall back in love.
4. You have an opportunity to resolve old issues that have festered too long
By cleaning up resentments from the past, your heart and vision will soften. You’ll start noticing the good stuff again.
Resentments tend to block your ability to see the positive efforts, good character, genuine caring, and attractive qualities in your partner.
But once the resentments fade away you’ll stop feeling so angry and you’ll start to notice the things that you fell in love with in the first place. Voilà! You’ll fall in love all over again, and that is key to learning how to save your marriage.
5. You get to know your partner on a deeper level
A good marriage therapist will help you and your partner become experts on one another.
As an expert on your partner, you’ll learn how to recognise emotions on her face, how to read his body language more accurately, what she reflexively does when she’s feeling threatened or stressed, how to help your partner shift into a more positive emotional state, and how to consistently use attraction to get your partner to move towards you.
By being experts on each other, you and your spouse will feel more secure and you’ll naturally allow the in-love chemicals to flow between you.
6. You develop problem-solving skills
You’ll finally find solutions to the nagging, recurrent problems that make you feel more like a parent than a partner.
We all know that relating to your spouse as a parent or a child is not a good equation for romantic love. Nothing squashes libido and feelings of being in love quicker than a parent/child dynamic in an intimate relationship.
You need to function as competent, adult partners in order to tap back into romantic love, and a skilled couples counsellor can help with that.
By cleaning up resentments from the past, your heart and vision will soften. You’ll start noticing the good stuff again!
7. You learn how to shift arguments into discussions
Transform your pattern of fighting into one that is less intense, not mean, and ends playfully.
With some expert relationship therapy, this is possible. After you learn this new way of fighting, you’ll find that you’re both more likely to be in the mood for intimacy and you’ll notice yourself falling in love with your partner again.
Healthy communication is so powerful!
Don’t hesitate to go to couples counselling if you want to fall back in love with your partner.
Couples counselling saves marriages and fixes broken relationships every single day. It’s worth the work!