According to childhood fairytales, couples always live happily ever after
Dr John Demartini lists 10 misleading relationship myths:
Myth 1: A new relationship will make me happy
Regardless of how well a relationship begins, you will eventually experience both sides of the person and probably have moments or periods of relative happiness and sadness.
Myth 2: When I find my soulmate, I will feel complete
Any illusions you project onto your partner will eventually fall apart. Although they will partly contribute to your fulfillment in life, being whole as yourself is wise and more realistic.
Myth 3: The right relationship lasts forever
The idea of ‘forever’ is unrealistic. There is no guarantee in relationships, just probabilities based upon how well you communicate what you would love in terms of what they would love. The more value you offer, the more probable their stay.
Myth 4: Once we get past these rough waters, it will be smooth sailing
Relationships are not static; no one remedy eliminates all your troubles. Moments or periods of order and chaos, support and challenge, peace and war are much more realistic to expect.
The idea of ‘forever’ is unrealistic. There is no guarantee in relationships, just probabilities based upon how well you communicate what you would love in terms of what they would love. The more value you offer, the more probable their stay
Myth 5: A good relationship requires sacrifice
One-sided sacrificing is less effective than mastering the art of communicating what you would love in terms of what they would love. When one partner sacrifices for the other, they both store their perceptions of the imbalance in a memory until the slate is rebalanced. Equity is what sustains relationships.
Myth 6: Great sex only happens at the beginning
Intimate lovemaking can continue throughout a relationship that has realistic expectations and has mastered the art of communication and fair exchange. When highest values are met intimacy emerges.
Myth 7: We won’t have to work at a good relationship
A fulfilling relationship will require ongoing reassessment, communication, prioritisation, effort and skill.
Myth 8: I will be lonely without a relationship
You can sleep next to someone and feel 1 000km away, or be 1 000km away and feel as if they are close. We only feel we miss those traits we are infatuated with. When we are open-hearted and love someone, they are free to come and go and we still feel their presence regardless of space or time.
Myth 9: Children complete a marriage
This is as unlikely as assuming that partners complete each other. Children can be both pain and pleasure, and frustrating and fulfilling. If you do not have genetic children, others at work or in our family or social life emerge to become our surrogate children.
Myth 10: Opposites attract
What you see in your partner is also present in you. It’s just expressed differently according to their hierarchy of values. Although you will seek that which supports your highest values, you simultaneously attract that which challenges your highest values. Maximum growth and development occurs at the border of support and challenge.
Dr. John Demartini is a human behaviour specialist, educator, author and the founder of the Demartini Institute. www.DrDemartini.com