The more you focus on what works in your relationship, the more the relationship will grow. The more you focus on what isn’t working, the more your relationship will implode

My husband says I defy him for the sake of defying him, because of the way I grew up (my parents went through a messy divorce when I was a teenager). What he said to me shocked me to the core. I didn’t realise it hurts him. How can I change? Do we need relationship counselling?

The best question you could ask is “how can I change”? (Congratulations on not asking how you can change your husband!) You will defy your husband (according to his perception) when you go against what is of importance and priority to him.

For instance, if it’s important for him to arrive home from work to a clean house, he will accuse you of defying him if the house is not clean and neat.

In any relationship you will BOTH challenge and support each other

Unless it’s equally important to you to have a clean and neat house, you will not make it your priority.  It will be difficult for you to always support him and it’s realistic to know that in any relationship you will BOTH challenge and support each other.

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Their story – not yours

Your parent’s messy divorce is their story and not yours. Don’t allow their divorce to become an excuse for your behaviour. Rather invest in a long-term relationship with your husband and focus on meeting his needs while equally getting your needs met.

What about a conversation with him and negotiating how you can meet each other’s needs with realistic expectations?

It’s all about hearing each other

It’s all about hearing each other, being there for each other and showing love and appreciation for each other. The more you focus on what works in your relationship, the more the relationship will grow. The more you focus on what isn’t working, the more your relationship will implode.

It’s all about love

Love each other in the ways the other one wants to be loved. If he feels loved when the house is clean and neat, serve him in the way he feels loved. What you give, will come back, hundredfold.

Question & Answer credit: Ilze Alberts