Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who has found her soulmate: only problem is… he’s married…

Dear Annie

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We have a great relationship and my brother gets on well with him. They go gyming together every day.

My parents have met him and also like him. He is nine years older than me – I am 19 and he is 28 years old.

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I see myself as having a future together and children with him. He is a committed Christian like I am, and we share the same values and outlook on life.

The only problem, in our otherwise perfect life, is that he is married

He has been married for two years. I did know from the beginning that he was married but we really connected and I thought that I would just go out with him and see how things go.

We started seeing each other on a regular, committed basis and I introduced him to my friends. No one but my mom and brother know that he is married.

We fell in love and I believed that in time he would leave his wife

Two weeks ago things started to fall apart

The owner of the company my boyfriend’s wife works for lives in the same apartment building that I do. She has seen us together on numerous occasions. As I share the apartment with my parents, I thought it was safe to assume that she thought that he was a friend of the family.

My boyfriend phoned me and was furious, saying that he doesn’t know how I could do this and that I’m a horrible person and that he never wants to see me again.

It turns out that someone sent his wife pictures of us together and he assumed that it was me who did that. I reassured him that I didn’t do that but he would not believe me and said that he didn’t know how I could be so cruel to his wife who was innocent in this.

No matter what I said, he refused to believe me. I couldn’t take it and I tried to kill myself

My brother found me and took me to hospital. I don’t know what to do now. My boyfriend came back and said that he was sorry. He realised that it wasn’t me who sent the photos, but the owner of the company that his wife works for. His wife is furious about the affair and is apparently going for counselling. We love each other.
Please help
Dee

Dear Dee

Thank you for your letter. Love is seldom simple with people being so complicated.

I’m wondering when you decided that you are just woman enough for a part-time or timeshare man? It seems like he checked all the boxes for you: handsome – check, charming – check, stable income – check, honest – nope, single – nope. Oh well, three out of five ain’t too bad…

Why is it that you thought he might dump the Mrs he already went through the big white wedding with, and marry you?

He was upfront with you from the start. Perhaps you had a hidden agenda, just pretending the wife bit was okay initially?

This man didn’t even try to cover up that he is a narcissistic hypocrite who causes even straight women to consider switching to the same side.

What is the best possible outcome? He does actually dump wifey and marry you. He’d be your husband… but you’d never trust him for a minute because you have first-hand experience of how committed he is to those wedding vows.

At least you know he would probably be quite open with his mistress, about you

He was furious with YOU for potentially being cruel to his wife?

Even reading between the lines I’m not seeing where you committed to being faithful to his wife, even if it’s not cool to treat another woman that way.

He’s furious that you may have ruined the chance for him to have his cake and eat it. He still plans to have his cake and eat it, as long as you’re not the one who tried to ruin it. The man seems to have principles akin to a wild baboon trip – but principles nonetheless.

When you felt overwhelmed, hurt and angry you could have made many choices

Compulsively clean the house, run down the street naked, kill yourself. You made a choice. No denying that we can feel more pain than we feel able to bear, that we can feel all is lost and there is no glimmer of hope left. What you chose to do, was your choice. The way to healing and healthy future decisions is to take responsibility for the choices that we make.

The mistakes that we make don’t define us. What we do about them does

Take time to heal and when you’re a whole woman again wait for a whole man.

You are beautiful!
Love and blessings
Annie