Envy is based on your perception that somebody has something that you don’t have, that you want or desire, for instance money, or success or an amazing relationship or social influence. Desire is like envy; you want something that you believe another person has.

Jealousy is based on a perception of your potential loss to a rival, somebody that could take something of value away from you.

If you are attached, infatuated, addicted or dependent on a particular trait or series of traits that you’re admiring in the person you’re afraid of losing, you are vulnerable to jealousy.

You could be initially jealous of, and then later resent a person for possibly taking your partner away from you. You could also envy them as they obviously seem to have something that you don’t that was perceived to be more valuable.

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Jealousy can be a gift

Jealousy can be a gift. Consider this, if you never felt jealous you may not feel the need to grow and expand. It can help you achieve a greater version of yourself. By keeping you on your toes you can use these emotions to create a greater you.

If that means you want to upskill at work to ensure you beat your colleagues in the next round of promotions, you ensure you do what it takes to achieve that goal, or to realise that you already have something great to offer and finally honour it.

Jealousy can be a tool

Jealousy can be used as a tool to awaken within you the awareness of the traits that you are currently denying that you have.

If you play small by comparison and live in the shadows of others, you will negotiate away many of your greatest opportunities in life. But once jealousy forces you to reflect and empower yourself and begin to stand on the shoulders of giants and recognise that whatever you perceive in others you have – to the same degree in some unique form – you can break through the limitations of playing small and use jealousy to your greatest advantage.

Nothing is missing in you. Jealousy shows you where you are playing underdog to someone and gives you an opportunity to empower that area of your life.

You only envy people with traits, actions or inactions that you admire or are infatuated with

Dealing with envy

You only envy people with traits, actions, or inactions that you admire or are infatuated with. So to reduce the infatuation or admiration, consider the following three questions.

1. Ask yourself, what specific trait, action or inaction do you perceive this envied person displays or demonstrates that you infatuate with, admire, desire or envy most? Precisely define what you envy.

2. Identify where and when you display or demonstrate this same or similar specific trait, action or inaction to the same degree quantitatively and qualitatively? Once you own the trait, action or inaction you will be less vulnerable to envying them. You only envy them when you are too humble to admit that you have the same trait, action or inaction within yourself that you envy or admire. Nothing is missing in you. Fully own it in your own form, according to what you value most.

3. Ask yourself, what are the specific drawbacks, downsides or negatives of this specific trait, action or inaction in order to take it off the pedestal and no longer infatuate with, or envy it?

Is it OK to compare ourselves to other people?

It is wise to compare your daily actions to your own specific prioritised goals and intentions rather than comparing yourself to others. Others have different values and are not you.

You won’t be the greatest other. You will only be the greatest you. The magnificence of who you truly are is greater than any fantasy you will ever impose on yourself. Attempting to imitate others will be self-defeating. You only admire things in others that you already possess but you are still too humble to admit it.

To determine what your unique set of values is, visit https://drdemartini.com/values/login
and take the free value determination test.