Last week I found out some pretty devastating news. My American crush was moving back to his home town which was in another state.

The news made me want to dive into a pool of Pinot Grigio and not come up for air for a very long time

B was retrenched from the job he moved to Florida for about two months ago, and because he was not stressed about, it the past few weeks have been a blissful round of cute lunch dates and watching TV late into the night because no one has to work in the morning.

Now these fun times are screeching to an abrupt halt. I’m going to miss him… like the deserts miss the rain.

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Philadelphia is a few hours flight away, but it’s the thought of finding his substitute has me nearly losing the will to live.

Yes, I am dating other guys but he has been my favourite since last year

He is funny, smart, reliable, cooks well and my best friend likes him. So the task of replacing him seems like such a mission I don’t even want to start.

Clearly the universe is not done toying with me, because in the same time frame he declared his imminent departure, my OkCupid inbox has been flooded with messages from potential suitors.

Because we already know the creep factor online is so high, I immediately blocked the thirsty ones who posted icky messages about how they wanted to kiss me all over. Eeeeuw.

I thought André was a good contender

A silver fox who owned his own business and seemed to have enough time to relax on a yacht as seen in his profile pictures. He didn’t raise any immediate flags so we moved to texting via phones and then the conversation got interesting for all the wrong reasons.

When I told him I was an author, he claimed he had written two books. Turns out he had never published said books. In spite of this, he offered to ghost write my next book because that was the only way he thought I would make the New York Times Bestseller List.

As I was still trying to process that mixture of delusion and patronising, he started bombarding me with corny good morning messages along the lines of “Good morning. May you have a day as bright as your smiles and as sweet as your soul”. This coming from a man who has never met me.

Since my next book is not meant to read like a Hallmark card I had to say no to this foolishness very quickly.

Next on the list was Jabari

He passed the non-crazy test and made it to phone number stage, from where he proceeded to block his own blessings very quickly. On our first conversation, he spent twenty minutes alternately patronising and boring me about economics.

I am currently in my third year of an economics degree so I have a fairly good grasp of how the fiscal market works. In spite of this, he insisted on lecturing me on everything including the made up economic philosophy he found online. At the point when he started sending texts instead of asking how are you I decided to once again become acquainted with the block button.

There is still one solitary twinkling light at the end of that tunnel

He likes Formula One, claims he has a fighting chance of defeating me at 30 Seconds and keeps me refreshing the page because I feel his messages aren’t coming through fast enough. So I’m going to keep waiting for his flirty texts and hope he keeps amusing me.