Agony Aunt Annie offers help to a reader who battles to be affectionate with her new partner – and thinks it’s because of the hurt she suffered in her previous relationship.
You have helped me in the past, and I need your help again.
I am getting married in a few months to my best friend for over 10 years
He is amazing, and he loves my kids. I have nothing to complain about when it comes to him or even our relationship.
I have been really hurt by my previous break-up. That was almost two years ago. I have been struggling ever since then to be affectionate. And this not in a sexual way at all. (That is probably an issue for a later stage)
I struggle so badly with just kissing or holding my partner
He is very patient with me and very understanding too. Thank goodness for that. But how do I overcome this fear?
I have the most amazing ideas in my head, like for example: when I get home tonight I’m going to give my fiancé the most passionate kiss ever. But once I get home, it’s as if fear takes over and I will just give him a peck on his lips and a nice long hug instead.
I know: boring right?
Afterwards, I think about it in bed and get angry with myself for being so silly. But I just can’t get over it. What is wrong with me and how do I overcome this fear, or how do I go from being affectionate-LESS to affectionate in the most comfortable way?
Thank you for your letter. I am glad to hear that you are happily in a relationship. You say that your fiancé is your best friend and has been for more than ten years. That would mean that he was around in the friend capacity when you were dating Mr Soul-crusher.
At what point did your friendship go from friendship to romance? Can you remember a change happening? Did you fall in love with butterflies, shaved legs and perfume happenings or did you just reason it out?
It is great to marry your best friend, but if that is all it is about then it doesn’t even have to be a man!
Are you attracted to him in a romantic kind of way or does the thought of intimacy with him feel a little like kissing your cousin? (I couldn’t go with brother, as not even Game of Thrones could romantise that)
Women who have been physically taken advantage of, will more often than not resist intimacy with a man
You need to determine if this lack of affection is about you and connected to your past experience or if it is actually about your feelings (or lack thereof) for your fiancé
Perhaps you experienced affection in an abusive way before and now shy away from the association.
If you are feeling emotionally and mentally connected to your fiancé, it stands to reason that you would desire some physical connection.
Woman who have been physically taken advantage of, will more often than not resist intimacy with a man. If this was your experience, you need to get counselling to process this so that you are able to connect in all ways with your man.
If you’re resistant to cooking an egg, you’re probably not going to be keen on making soufflés, or anything else rise for that matter. Problem is, your man is going to be hungry for some home cooking, so to speak.
Before this ruins a potentially good relationship, assess whether you’re dating your brother- wannabe. If you’re sure that you are not, get some counselling.
You are beautiful!
Love and blessings