Agony Aunt Annie offers advice to a reader who is pregnant after a one-night stand and has since met a lovely man – who doesn’t want any more children …

Dear Annie

I have a problem that I’m trying to ignore but I know that it is not going to go away and will only get worse. I’m in such a terrible place and I’m feeling that it’s so unfair.

It all started a few months ago. My cousin works in a firm across from where I work. We socialise a lot together and have the same group of friends. Recently her company had a function and I was left out from attending. I decided to go and have pre-drinks with them. We called for Ubers at the same time and theirs arrived first.

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There’s this guy that often shows up at the bar that we go to

He is good looking and smooth but a real rubbish. He uses and doesn’t have a steady job. He has a rich daddy who supports him. We’ve chatted a couple of times and my friends have said that they hope that I’m not so stupid as to hook up with him. Everyone knows that he’s only into one-night stands.

Anyway, my friends had all left me alone and he walked in. He bought me a drink and that lead to more drinks. Too many drinks later, I ended up going home with him. I wasn’t totally to blame because I wouldn’t have gone if my friends hadn’t all left me and if I hadn’t had so much to drink.

I told no one about that night, knowing my friends wouldn’t understand and feeling angry that they all left me that night.

I’ve now met a guy that I really like

My friends all think that we’re a perfect match. Even though he is quite a bit older than me, I’ve never been happier. He is so kind and caring. He fixes things that I have just never got to sorting out. He even took care of some traffic fines that I’ve ignored. When I forget my keys or laptop, he always comes to the rescue.

Here’s the problem: I’m pregnant

This happened with the one-night stand. I don’t see why the woman should always take precaution. Why can’t the man be responsible for a change? I haven’t told anyone that I’m pregnant and my boyfriend has said that he never wants to have children. He has two adult children and has had a vasectomy.

From the start he said dishonesty is a deal breaker for him

It feels so unfair that I should be punished for one night that was a mistake. I’m sore that he will leave me when he finds out. When we met, I told him that I hadn’t had a boyfriend in a while and he really liked that I wasn’t sleeping around. Now he’ll find out that I lied to him. From the start he said dishonesty is a deal breaker for him.

It’s not fair to lose the man that I really want over one night in my past. There is no way that I’m ready to be a mother, but I’m not the kind of person who could kill a child either.
What should I do?

From
Morag

Dear Morag

Thank you for your letter. I would have answered sooner but I am at a coffee shop and I forgot my laptop at home and I had nobody to bring it to me.

I do sympathise with your condition. Being pregnant is a huge responsibility because it involves not only your life and the changes happening to you, but the life of a completely new individual who relies solely on you for his or her very survival.

We can’t control our environment or the choices that other people make but we can control our responses and our choices! It seems like you do not maintain control of the remote control. No, I don’t mean of the TV, I mean of your emotions.

We can’t control our environment or the choices that other people make but we can control our responses and our choices!

The waiter has not only got my order wrong, he has been rude to me and has just sloshed my drink on my blouse… Excuse me a minute while I deal with this…. “DUDE YOU’VE JUST RUINED MY DAY”…. okay I am back.

What just happened? It would seem that I gave a waiter the remote control to set what kind of day I would have. Better choice would be to not tip the clumsy clot and to keep control of my day-tuning remote. I still get to choose to have a good day anyway.

Why should the woman have the burden of contraception? Maybe it’s not fair but the only large belly that a man tends to get is beer induced. He may forget about that one night, never thinking that you’d take the fun he poked at you so seriously.

It sounds like your boyfriend is doing a lot of caring for you, much like a father would. Could that be half the reason the relationship is so comfortable for you? Time to put on your big girl panties (so much less complicated than taking them off) and tell him what happened. The longer the deception continues the more betrayed he will feel.

Time to put on your big girl panties (so much less complicated than taking them off) and tell him what happened. The longer the deception continues the more betrayed he will feel

Look yourself in the mirror

No, don’t ask who is the fairest in the land. Rather look the person responsible for where you are in the eye. Good choices, bad choices that you made and the reality is the consequence/s that you now face.

When you stop blaming and start taking responsibility, you will no longer feel like a powerless victim. You will realise that have control, over even the bad choices. You can decide to take responsibility for this new life or you can look at alternatives like adoption.

Refuse to be tossed about like a little boat in a storm. Hold on tight to your remote and take control of your life.

You are beautiful!
Love and blessings
Annie